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Letters From The Fishbowl

The life, times, fiction, and mind-lint of V.B. Rising. Enter at your own risk, traveler, for here there be rants and misplaced modifiers.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Lesson Five: Hummus

Hummus, man.  Hummus.

It's the key.  It's the secret, it's the 13th fucking step, it will save your ass.

Hummus.  I forgot to put this crucial tidbit down in my previous weight loss post, but its importance must not be downplayed.

Hummus has helped me lose 32 pounds and counting.  If you want to lose weight, add this to your regimen right this very second: if you like hummus, stock up and eat that shit like it's about to rot.  If you don't like hummus, learn to fucking like it and see above.  Oh, my God in Heaven, I am addicted to hummus.

Hummus, for those of you who don't know, is a Middle Eastern dip that sounds disgusting but tastes awesome.  Here is a useful cheat sheet to print and stick to your fridge, all to do with HUMMUS.

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT HUMMUS:
  • It's healthful.  It has protein, "good" fat, fiber, iron, vitamin B6, folate, and some kind of fancy-schmancy amino acid which makes you not get hepatitis.
  • It's literally a miracle.  If you don't believe me, I present the following equation:
Chickpeas (nasty) + tahini (blerg) = Hummus (godlike yumosity)

There's no explanation beyond divine intervention.
  • It's versatile.  It goes with ALL the other food groups.  No, fuck that, hummus is so awesome, they had to create a brand-new food group just to incorporate its superawesome presence into a mundane and banal food pyramid.  All the other foods are jealous of hummus.
  • It brings all the boys to the yard.
  • John Lennon ate hummus.  Hitler wasn't a fan.
  • It's low calorie.  Two tablespoons of hummus is usually between 40 and 80 calories.  Go look up the calorie count for an equal amount of Ranch dressing or mayonnaise.  Go ahead, I'll wait while you look it up and then SHIT YOURSELF when you realize how much of your daily calorie intake you piss away on substandard garnish when you could be eating hummus.  You poor fool.
WAYS TO EAT HUMMUS:
  • On a sammie in place of mayo.  Tastes better, less calories, makes you feel very chic.
  • On a sammie that normally does not require dressing, to help it achieve maximum yumosity.  A thin layer on a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich will send you to food Nirvana.
  • With veggies!  Hummus is a great dip for raw veggies, especially those baby carrots you swore you would eat and then hid away in the bottom drawer cuz baby carrots suck.  Without hummus, that is.  With hummus, baby carrots become a culinary delight on par with filet mignon, scampi, and a mudslide.  While receiving oral sex.  From the rock star of your choice.
  • With crackers or chips.  Seriously, though, you shouldn't eat potato chips, but if the waiter at the hippie joint brings them over by mistake, eat them with hummus.  It makes them more healthful, in the way that adding soy sauce makes ramen more healthful, by which I mean, not at all.  But they will be more yummy, and it beats french onion dip.
  • With your frenchie fries.  Again, frenchie fries are not exactly teeming with nutritional benefits, which is exactly why you need hummus!
  • Mixed up in your salad.  Nix that Ranch dressing, bitches, and you might as well toss that olive oil and vinegar too, because calorie for calorie, hummus beats them all.  A caveat: Tupperware.  Hummus is thick, so just using your fork to mix it up is a pain.  What you will want to do is put your salad ingredients in a Tupperware, plop your hummus and Bac-os on top, slap the lid on, and shake it like a Putnam newborn.  Noms.
  • On bread or pita slices.
  • WITH A SPOON!  Don't worry about your pride; pride has no place before hummus.
This has been a public service announcement.  I hope you are all smarter (and skinnier, if you so choose to be) now.

2 comments:

Megan said...

Blogger ate my first comment. Boo.

I bought two 8oz tubs of hummus yesterday. I just finished off the first one by attacking it with Triscuits. Have also consumed it with cucumbers, raw zucchini, and in a spinach salad.

You are a brilliant woman. I've always said so.

V. said...

I spend ten straight minutes of most Wal-Mart visits standing in front of an over-priced food processor, debating whether it's worth it to own an appliance I will use solely for shmushing chickpeas.