Letters From The Fishbowl

The life, times, fiction, and mind-lint of V.B. Rising. Enter at your own risk, traveler, for here there be rants and misplaced modifiers.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Last Time (Till Next Time)

Just came across this on tumblr and thought it was really appropriate.  Check it out!

One More Thing About 'Nice Guys'

Saturday, January 28, 2012

"Shit, You Had a 400-Year Head Start!"

Here's something that's bugging me today.

For example, today I read an article in The Catholic Free Press claiming that Catholicism and FAITH ITSELF may soon go the way of the dinosaur, and I have several problems with this.  First of all, the wording in the article makes it clear that the Pope is worried only about people losing the Christian faith.  The author uses vague words like, "faith" and "religion," possibly to be inclusive the the Catholic Free Press's many non-Catholic readers, of which I'm sure there are many.  Natch, right?  Yeah, okay.

But one doesn't have to read too far between the lines to see that he couldn't give a shit if the world lost Hinduism, Islam, Paganism, Buddhism, etc.  What this guy's worried about it losing Catholicism and, not to deflower your innocent idealism, but the reason the Vatican is scared of people losing faith is because if people lose faith, the Vatican loses influence.

The Catholic Church has enjoyed a pretty comfortable position of power for the last several hundred years, and I theorize that recent events have made them realize they are on shakier footing than they're used to.  Birth control, sexual abuse, abortion, and the role of the church in schools and governments are just a handful of the issues that have undermined the Church's whited sepulcher of irreproachability.

Now the big problem is that if I point this out, I open myself up to a slew of hatred and accusations of discrimination.  As though simply suggesting that maybe faith is declining for a reason, or that an organization with a lot to lose might not be 100% worried solely about your immortal soul, was infringing on someone's rights.  It's not.  And here's where we meander along to my real point.

Some people need to learn the difference between 'discrimination' and 'not being able to do whatever I want to whomever I want all the time with no repercussions.'  I think (hope, at least) that the majority of people know the difference, but there are some people out in the world who make me want to punch something until the yelling in my head stops.

When Christian people cry out that they're being discriminated against because they're not allowed to force their religion on others, all I see in my head are middle-class white guys yelling, "We're losing our country to the Jews/Blacks/Asians/Immigrants/Minorities!  We're losing!"

To paraphrase Chris Rock, if you're losing, then who's winning?  Christians, you're gonna be all right.

If you are one of these people, I'm telling you as a public service to buy a fucking dictionary and several history books.  Find out what it really means to be discriminated against, then come cry to me because you couldn't lead your public school softball team in a Christian prayer.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

And One More Thing

My boyfriend (who, incidentally, is the nicest person I have ever known, to everyone, regardless of whether or not he'd like to sleep with them, and further, was my best friend for five years before we got together as a couple because he actually likes me, not because he was waiting for his chance to jump me) made another great point today regarding the fucktard passing the "Me Nice, Girls Bitches" meme around Facebook.

Basically, without getting up on a high horse, he pointed out that since so many asshats use the term 'nice guy' when what they really mean is 'why won't you sleep with me?' the label in its purest form has now been ruined for every legitimately nice guy to which it could have been applied.

Way to go.

Nice Guys Finish Last Because They're Usually Secret Assholes

Today, I deconstruct an irritating Facebook meme.  You may be familiar with this little public service announcement:

Yikes.  Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Can't Get Laids.

Okay, okay, that was cold.  I COULD go on for another three paragraphs or so about what I think of the person who wrote this, but honestly, it's too easy.  So instead, I have decided to just share my thoughts on the message this piece delivers, which is basically "Women who don't do what I, a man, think they should do are stupid, and they are what's ruining my life and the world."

Below you will find the transcript (please note that I typed it out word-for-word, ellipsis by painful ellipsis, and any grammatical errors in his text are his own) of the image, along with my italicized comments.  Feel free to let me know what you think after you read.


Dear “Females”

Is the gender of your readers in question? Did you put the word 'females' in quotes for a grammatical reason other than to denote your sarcasm? Since there really is no grammatical reason [unless you are addressing this manifesto to a play entitled, “Females”], I can only assume these are meant to be “air quotes.” If I was going to be a sexist prick and wanted to let all women who don't live up to MY expectations know that I disapprove of their behavior and therefore call into question their values and mores, I would have gone with: Dear “Ladies.” Then I would have shut my head in the refrigerator door a few times.

I'm fedup.

Fed up.

Okay, sorry, cheap shot. Proceed.

Done. Finished.

I see you have mastered synonyms. A+

Damn, another cheap grammar shot. Sorry, sorry, I'm done.

I always hear stories about girls not being able to trust guys because they cheated, or treated them bad, or hit them. I always hear stories of girls saying they just don't want to be with guys because of past relationships. Say that you're waiting for a good guy etc.

Just for my own information, from whom do you hear these stories? Is it from the women you know personally, who confided in you thinking they could trust you as the friend you claimed to be? Are these actual stories you have heard from first-hand sources, or have you just chosen to glean “women dumb, don't know what want” from American pop culture without verifying the truth for yourself? Is it from other Facebook memes, because if so, I must tell you to read all of those things with a pretty big pinch of salt. Facebook is a notoriously unreliable narrator and a piss-poor barometer of the state of the female collective consciousness.

But why the fuck when you get a good GREAT guy you ignore him.

Oh, God . Oh, NO!!! What the bleeding hell have I done?! There was a good GREAT guy amidst all the misogynistic, self-righteous, entitled whiners right under my nose and I ignored him?!

Call him your best friend or some shit like that and when he falls for you, you give him some bullshit how you're not ready for a relationship....then two hours later you're fucking some asshole who clearly didn't give a fuck about you before.

Wait. Wait. Hold up. [See, I know synonyms, too.] I'm going to stop you right there, good buddy, to make several points.

Point A: most people, male or female, don't call someone their best friend without the other party having given some indication that this is true or, at the very least, that they are in fact friends. Now, if someone becomes my best friend because we have a relationship built on mutual affection and trust, that's cool. If someone becomes my best friend on the hopes that someday I will wake up from my lifelong gotta-fuck-all-the-douchebags-before-they-rot stupor and let him into my pants, that's not so cool. So let me ask. Is there a long line of deluded girls following you around laboring under the false impression that you are their friend because you somehow just attract the socially bankrupt element? Or do you have a bunch of friends you'd like to fuck who don't share that feeling because you became their “friend” [ooh, sarcastic air quotes, I am learning so much from you] under false pretenses?

Point B: if you become a woman's friend because you have a relationship based on mutual affection and trust (not cuz you wanna tap that ass and are just waiting for your chance), and you then later fall for her, why is that she is now morally obligated to love you back? If you had a female friend who one day fell for you, but you felt no sexual or romantic attraction to her, are you then forced to back-burner all YOUR shit so you can date her because she's been a good friend? I don't know about you, but there's no 'When I Fall' clause in any of my friendships. If she falls for you too, good. If she doesn't, can you blame her? Nobody can make themselves love someone they don't, and it's really not fair to deny a female friend the right to all future potential relationships because you're hoping to get laid.

Point C: I trust that when you say the new guy she's fucking clearly didn't care about her before, you were privy to any and all interactions she had with him? How the hell do you know he's not another so-called Nice Guy and she's just giving him a chance? Way to cockblock your brothers-in-arms. Further, what if she's fucking him not because she's in love with him, but because she just wants to get laid? Is that a god damn crime? What she does in bed with another guy is only your business if you're actually dating her. Which you're not. So back the fuck off. You have no right to make a girl feel like a slut because of your own jealousy.

Point D: if a female gives you a bullshit, not-ready-for-a-relationship speech, yes, she's probably being dishonest. You know why? To spare your feelings. Because telling your heartsick ass that it's never going to happen might break your little soul in two. Did it occur to you that she might not want to hurt her friend like that? Did it occur to you that maybe she values the friendship she has with an undeserving conniver too much to risk it all on a relationship she knows will fail because she just doesn't feel the same? Or did it only occur to you that a woman who doesn't want you personally must be a bitch, slut, idiot, choose your own insulting label, kids!

Dear constantly wonder where the good guys are. They're out there....

Good guys like you? Is a good guy going to make me feel betrayed because I thought I had a friend I could trust, but it turned out he was just waiting until 'Female Friend is evolving into Girlfriend!'? Is a good guy going to tell me I'm a whore with poor judgment because I chose to fuck someone who wasn't him? Is a good guy going to try and make me feel beholden to him for all the times he acted like a decent human being instead of the shitstain that he was? No, thanks.

I'm just letting you know that you're the ones making us scarce.

To blame a woman for your lack of a relationship is stupid. To blame all women for your lack of a relationship is misogyny. Your female friends do not owe you sex, kisses, romance, marriage, pity handjobs, or a chance. If she likes you, she likes you. If she doesn't she doesn't. Either way, she doesn't owe you anything. End of story.

Good Guy...or rather New Found Asshole

Oh, fuck you.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Blessed Are The Dumbfucks

Originally published January 2006.

Hi, everyone!  Thanks for being so patient in waiting for updates.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had to have all four of my wisdom teeth removed, so I took a few days off.  Then the excisions became infected, leading to severe pain and sleeplessness, and I took a few more days off.  Then my sister and niece came to visit and I was distracted by all the cuteness and baby talk.  Yesterday I was too busy leveling my Draenei hunter.  But today, I’m back and hopefully will have the discipline and unyielding support network to keep on updating.*

Speaking of my wisdom teeth, today I received some interesting… insight, shall we say?  I was at work, and explaining to a guy who works in the building why I had been out sick so much last week.  I even told him that I had to go back to the dentist on my birthday.**  The guy looked at me and said, “You need to go to church more often.”

Now please don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is the first time I’ve had that opinion leveled at me, but this was the first time I really couldn’t see how it could even remotely apply to my problem.

Laughing, I said, “What?  How does that work?”

“If you go to church, He’ll take care of you, then you won’t be at the dentist on your birthday.”

Then the patient who was watching out exchange chimed in about the Healing Mass she frequents, which apparently involves standing on the altar while you listen to a TWO HOUR sermon.  Hey, whatever works, lady, but in my world we have hydrocodone.

Long story short, I stood there smiling half-heartedly while two people insisted that Christian religious fervor would have stopped four gaping wounds in my mouth (the orifice that gets the most action…  I’m talking about food, of course) from managing to find even one virus or bacterium  amidst the TRILLIONS that it is exposed to every day that could hang on for the long haul.  Jesus himself would have seen to it, I guess.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a Christian; however, anyone who knows me well would also know that I’m not one of those indignant non-Christians who get all uptight whenever someone mentions the Christian faith.  I have lived amongst Catholics and Protestants and one very cool Methodist for my entire life and the number of times I felt seriously religiously oppressed can be counted on one hand with enough fingers left to hold my Tom Collins.

I am not angered by the fact that religions with which I disagree exist around me.  I am not offended when someone says “God bless you,” and I am more amused than irritated when someone insists that I should consider abandoning my heathen ways and converting, because I understand that sort of concern is an integral part of the Christian faith, and I’m comfortable enough with myself that no one is going to make me feel stupid or dirty for choosing a non-Christian religion that makes sense to me.

(Interesting side story: a girl with whom I used to wait tables once had a post-church breakfast crowd splash the drinking water at her yelling, “Repent!  Repent!” and another co-worker once had a nutty zealot who sat in his section for five straight hours during an overnight shift, yelling, “Turn or burn!” everytime he walked by.  Truckstop restaurants bring out the best in people.)

The point is, despite my experience and usual laidbackedness,*** I honestly had no idea what to say to these people, so I made up some shit about how nice it is they found a church they liked in the area and quickly ran off under the guise of having to fax a prescription or some crap.

It’s not the “go to church” that stumped me.  It was the utter ridiculousness of the idea that the Lord and Savior of the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD was going to take the time to personally oversee not only my very minor dental procedure, but also my recovery.  You mean to tell me people who follow Christianity will be granted a clean soul, forgiveness of all sins, entrance into Heaven AND a hella good immune system?  It’s too good to be true; it’s the ShamWow of theology!!!

Seriously.  If I was a Christian, I’d be pretty angry with Jesus if he was all like, “So how’s your teeth?”  Firstly because of the poor grammar, but also because I would think he had more pressing issues to be tending.  If you’re Jesus and this is the most important thing you have to do with your time, I want my Sunday mornings back; either the guy’s already got all the problems of the world so well under control that he can afford to slack off and look at my yanked teeth with me, or he’s seriously not prioritizing well.  I’d be concerned.  I’d write a letter.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, fuck your dentist and pray those cavities away, children.
A real post will follow tomorrow, but I really had to rant about that.

*This of course refers to the e-mail I got stating: “Your lazy days are piling up!  Update already!”

**So he could poke my inflamed, raw injuries with a FUCKING IRON HOOK!!! and then say, “Hm, yeah, you might have an infection.”

***It’s a word, look it up.****

****It’s so not a word.