Cell phones are the downfall of society.
"I would like- if I may... to take you on a strange journey." Okay, everyone, close your eyes (after you read this paragraph, cuz otherwise it's a little pointless) and think back to about five years ago. When gas was much cheaper. When flared pants were still the only thing you could wear to school without getting beat up. The Backstreet Boys were still all under thirty and still almost cool. It was a good time.
My favorite part of that time? I liked not having to hear six different computerized versions of 'Canon in D' every five minutes. I liked having the opportunity for face-to-face conversation on the way to class. I liked the ability to sit in a movie theater and not be interrupted by flashing lights and beeps.
CELL PHONES HAVE TAKEN OVER THE FUCKING WORLD! How did this happen? Granted, this is the country whose national motto is, "Good Idea, Let's Run It Into The Ground," but this cell phone phenomenon is just beyond my comprehension.
See, when cell phones were first invented, they were invented as a device of convenience, or for emergency purposes. And when they became affordable and popular to have, they were used for mostly that.
Acceptable Cell Phone Conversations - The Way Things Used To Be
*Ring, ring, ring!*
"Hey, it's me. My car broke down, so I'm going to call Triple A. Just wanted to let you know I'd be late for the sex toy party."
"Cool, seeya later."
*Ring, ring, ring!*
"Hey, Mom, it's me. The movie's over. Can you come pick me up?"
"Sure. See you soon."
Now, see, nothing wrong with that. That's what technology's for, after all. But a couple years went by and they began making little toys for the cell phones. They began being allowed in schools. They began to become an accessory and a status symbol. And now every time I leave class, I hear this bullshit.
Stupid-Ass Conversations That Are Nothing But Noise Pollution
"Oh, my Gawd, that class was so fucking long. I swear I thought I was going to die."
"Wow, that sucks."
"Yeah, so you want to like... I don't know, lunch?"
"Ummm... Oh, jeez, hang on, this bitch is looking at me funny. Like she's never seen someone talk on a phone and order coffee at the same time."
"People are so weird. Like, I was in the drive-through at McDonald's yesterday and I was talking to Dina on my cell and the bitch working was all like, 'Ma'am? Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am? Your food's ready. Ma'am, you need to pay now.' "
"Oh, my God."
"I know, and I was all like, 'Whatever, bitch, can't you see I'm on the phone?' "
"Totally. Where do you want to meet?"
"I'm standing right next to you, remember?"
What the fuck is this bullshit? Please spare me. The minute people leave a non-cell environment, whoosh, out come the itty bitty phones with the cute little designer covers. Then the ring tones start, all manner of Disney songs, Top 40 bullshit, and my personal favorite, the robot woman saying, "You have an incoming call." Smug robot bitch.
Half of these people with the cell phones clothespinned to their ears have nothing to say. They just carry them around to feel like they're connected to the world because they can't run on their own steam. Believe it or not, the people in your life managed to get by without your twenty-four hour availability before cell phones, and they can get by now.
Cell phones introduce all these new kinds of dramas. I can't fucking stand drama. Now people hunt each other down and scream, "Why didn't you answer your phone last night? Don't you like me? Where were you? Were you cheating on me?" Sweet Jesus covered in caramel, this is ridiculous. See, people were not meant to be exposed to each other every second of every day. That's why people get cabin fever and kill each other. If your friends begin to believe that you spend all your time waiting for them to call, they'll call. ALL THE TIME! And then, the one day you decide maybe you'll exercise some decent manners and turn your phone off before you go to class, they call and you don't answer and they go nuts. Cell phones are turning everyone into codependent, neurotic stalkers.
True story: My stepfamily and mother share a cell plan. One month the bill was several HUNDRED dollars. HUNDRED! Mom checks the call log and lo and behold, my stepsister has been calling her boyfriend an average of twenty-four times a day and he's been calling her about the same amount. Now, granted, he lives a few states away, but my freaking God, do they need to talk to each twice an hour? More than that, because she'd be sleeping or in school for a majority of the day. One day, Stepsister doesn't answer her phone because she's at a doctor's appointment and Boyfriend freaks out and leaves three voice messages. He'd probably have come banging on our door to see what the hell she had to do that was so important she couldn't answer his precious 28th phone call that day. Good thing we live several hundred miles away, cuz that's an annoyance I don't need.
Another true story: My brother and sister also share a plan and their bill last month was also in the triple digits. They text for free. They can talk free after 9pm and on weekends. They both attend school. WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING TO ALL DAY?! My brother's still in high school; all his friends are around him all day! None of them lives further than five minutes away! Who the hell else does he talk to? I'll tell you who. The girlfriend. The girlfriend who goes to a different school but lives fifteen minutes from our house and is constantly around anyway. I don't understand it.
None of my friends are crazy cell-phone obsessed people, thankfully. They carry them around for emergencies or because they're busy and never home. Fine. Cool. Awesome. What I can't stand are these jerks who you meet, start a conversation with, and then have to beat with a stick because they immediately ignored you as soon as they had enough service bars to call their other, better friends. Hello! You live on a college campus. Lean out your window and yell, and I guarantee that friend you just had to talk to will hear you without the aid of a glowing chunk of over-priced plastic.
Moderation, people, that's the key. There's no reason for people to think you have Tourette's syndrome cuz you're talking to yourself all the time (and phones are so small now, you can't even see them, which further cements the suspicion). Talk when you have to. Put the fucker away when you don't. Cell phone are a good invention; I admit that. I think pot's a pretty cool invention too, but I don't recommend toking up every five seconds, even if it's free on nights and weekends.
SO HELP ME GOD, I SHALL KILL YOU IF YOUR PHONE RINGS IN THE MOVIE THEATER!
There will be no saving you if your cell phone goes off in the movie theater! I swear to God, I will leap over the seats and throttle you with a fucking tampon string if you can't be bothered to turn your fucking cell phone off in a place that broadcasts a 'Please Turn Off All Cell Phones' message. What's the deal with people who don't get the message? Does it need to be brighter? Would it help if it had glowing blue numbers and cute wallpaper? How about if it played 'The Thong Song' in a garishly out of key computerized way? Wake up, people! There are very few places in this world where you are still expected to sit reasonably quietly for two whole hours. If you can't do that, get the fuck out.
So please. PLEASE. Put the cell phone down. I promise you, the world will keep spinning. You don't need that little machine to dictate your life. You don't need eight thousand ring tones to choose from to be a complete human being.
And just so you know, I am sponsoring a new charity program. It will called, 'Take Five... In the Chest!' and it's purpose will be to arm decent citizens with semi-automatic weapons, send them into movie theaters, and then pay for excellent legal council when they flip out and kill the motherfucker behind them for wrecking 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' one too many times.
Just doing my part to rid the world of a few more stupid people every day. Every little bit counts.