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Letters From The Fishbowl

The life, times, fiction, and mind-lint of V.B. Rising. Enter at your own risk, traveler, for here there be rants and misplaced modifiers.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Make of Our Countries One Giant Moronocracy!

Originally published oh, God, I don't know.  During the last Summer Olympics?  Call it August 2008.

Hi, everyone. We're just going to get the intros over with quickly cuz I have some pretty important bitching to do regarding certain popular sporting events.

I'm V. My list of issues includes road rage, impatience, and chronic fickleness. No verdict yet on whether these are contagious. Enjoy at your own risk.

SO! Anyshit, today at work, a patient came up to me and asked if I'd been watching the Olympics.

Me: Nah, I'm kind of over the Olympics.

Idiot Patient: What do you mean?

Me: Well, when I was a kid I was really into it, but lately I've lost interest. It's over-glitzed, like really commercialized.

Idiot Patient: You don't like the Olympics?!

Me: They spend more money on pyrotechnics at the opening ceremony than they do lodging the athletes, I bet.

Idiot Patient: But that's un-American!

Me: *Long silence as I try to figure out how to break the sad news to her that the Olympics are neither an American invention nor our soul property, and thus she's a fucking idiot.*

See, what I don't understand is that people think of the Olympics as "real" sports. They take it way more seriously than say, the NBA or any national soccer league. Apparently, your athletic achievement is only impressive when you're beating foreigners. Anyway, if I'm not into run-of-the-mill sporting events, why the hell would I want to watch SIXTEEN STRAIGHT UNCUT HOURS OF OLYMPIC FOOTAGE?!

And, just like Charlie Brown's Christmas, the whole event is so over-glamorized and over-publicized and over-sold and over-hyped that it's just annoying. Do you think the ancient Greeks had an official credit card or fast food chain for their Olympics?! No! They didn't have time for all that useless hype! They had naked wrestling to get to, damn it!

The thing that really set me off was this commercial I saw today. At first I thought it was just a 'WATCH THE OLYMPICS, OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE TO SO YOU CAN GUSH FOR A MONTH AND FORGET ABOUT ALL THE ATHLETES BY THE WINTER GAMES!' commercial, which would have been okay, but no. This is what I see instead.

Olympic Swimmer: It's the Olympics.

Tiny Olympic Gymnast: This is my time.

Olympic Runner: I've dreamed of this...

FUCKING FREAKISHLY BUILT Olympic Bodybuilder Guy: Ever since I was a kid.

Chinese Olympian: The perfect chicken sandwich.

Some Other Athlete Whore: From McDonald's.

FUCK MCDONALD'S! You goddamn liars, there's no way any of those athletes are putting trash like McDonald's into their bodies on even a semi-regular basis. You don't get a gymnast body by shoveling down nasty-ass McNuggets all day and night, no matter how much you got paid to say you did. Rawr! As if commercial sporting events weren't enough, the Olympics is now prostituting itself to peddle McDonald's digusting Southern Chicken McNastyburgers.

Who the fuck eats pickles on their chicken anyway?